Broke, Fabulous, & Traveling: What I Learned in Bali

Over a month ago (I know, I'm late publishing this post, but if you know me you know I'm always running at least 15 minutes late), I spent 10 days in Bali with my parents and one of my siblings. My family went to Bali for 3 weeks when I was 18, and my parents went back during their first extended trip to Asia last year.

We spent a couple days in Canggu, a recently touristy beach town in the southwest, and about 5 days in Ubud, a popular destination closer to the center of the island. During these 10 days (well, 8 — we spent more than 2 full days traveling), we ate great food, revisited some favorite places, played cards for hours on end, and generally just chilled the f out.

One of my favorite things that I got to do in Bali was have some quality one-on-one time with my family. I get to see my family a couple times a year, and our time together is becoming more and more significant the older I get.

At coffee with my mom one day, I told her about how I wanted to do that cliche thing white women do when they travel to Bali and really find meaning in my life. I'd been struggling all winter to feel like the life I was leading was significant in any way, and wanted to take advantage of this extended free time to buckle down and Figure Shit Out. I didn't know how, but I wanted to sit down and write a bunch of lists that would tell me what I could do to feel happy.

My mom didn't offer any advice on what to include in this plan I wanted to have.

"You've been using so much of your energy to stay alive for so long. Now that you don't need to do so much to make it through each day, don't feel pressured/act on that perceived pressure to use that extra energy you no longer HAVE to use," she told me.

"You're not going to figure out exactly what brings you joy," she said, "in the next year. You're going to spend your whole life searching for meaning, and that's going to be one of the biggest themes in your life."

If you read my last blog post, you might have an idea of the mindset I was in when I went to Bali.

One common thread in my life is that I try to plan everything. I write list after list after list and tell myself that all I need to do is take action on what's on the lists and everything will work the way I want it to. This urge only gets bigger when I'm feeling stressed, anxious, depressed, or otherwise emotional.

Like I told my mom, I've found myself struggling to find meaning in my life lately. I don't know why. Another instinct when I'm having a hard time is to buckle down and figure out WHY, but I'm learning that sometimes feels more like solving a problem than it actually is. When appropriate, I'm trying to let myself experience and work through emotions without extending them by dwelling on them.

My immediate response to my perceived lack of meaning was, of course, to make a bunch of lists and buckle down to get shit done. "I'm just stressed," I told myself, "because of some work stuff. All I need is time to make a plan to be happy and then I can do all those things and then I'll be happy."

But my mom was right: making a plan to be happy was impractical and unnecessary. I wasn't going to be able to figure out how to be fulfilled in the period of 10 days, nor should I push myself to try. I'd never even considered that I could take a step back and relax a little bit once I'd gotten to the point of safety in my mental health.

I definitely find myself working on a plan to lead a meaningful life, but I'm trying to give myself credit for everything I already do and give my future self some benefit of the doubt. I'm going to keep trying new things and sticking with things I already know I like. So, I guess, just living life?

OOTD: That's So Hannah

Black Steve Madden Chelsea booties - distressed mom jeans - black mesh top high-slit dress - black H&M cropped faux leather moto jacket - brown ribbon choker - gold leaf headband

Evelyn is in staying with me this week for her spring break, and we are seriously tearing up NYC. Yesterday we hit up the Museum of Natural History, where we paid $0.50 each for admission. She's studying biochemistry and I got my Bachelor's of Science in psychology, so there was plenty to thrill us both. I got to see a human brain, a life-size replica of a giant blue whale, and an entire display featuring my birthstone, so I was a happy camper.

This outfit was inspired by Leandra Medine of Man Repeller. She rewrote what it means to be a fashion blogger: She's all about dressing for yourself and really experimenting with fashion as a means of expression of oneself. Since becoming an avid reader of the site, I've committed to buying statement pieces that really scream, "Hannah." This shirt-dress hybrid was one of those purchases. It's such a unique piece that I couldn't quite find something similar to link to (I've provided a couple pieces with similar qualities, but nothing close). My sense of style isn't always one-of-a-kind; my favorite embroidered jeans are literally everywhere right now, but they're still so ME. I'm dedicating myself to dressing for me and me alone to express myself and make myself happy.

Welcome to New York

I've been living in New York for 5 days now. The last several days have been a flurry of putting furniture together, trying (and failing) to get wifi for the apartment, getting to know my neighborhood, forcing my dog to wear booties in the snow, getting lost on the subway (with a desk), preparing to start work, and getting to know my roommates. Luckily, my mom came to New York with me to help move me in, which was an amazing help to me. I just have a couple more moving items to finish up but, other than that, it's time for me to adjust to my new life in this fantastic new city. A few notes as I settle in:

• I've been thinking about decorating my New York apartment since I was little. Now that I'm here, I only have so much money and energy to do so; what's more, I'm sharing this space with others, meaning the aesthetic has to appeal to more than just me. As much as I want to be in control of my environment, it's important that I learn to accept what I can't control, let it go, and find the positives in my life.
• When I was living on Capitol Hill in Seattle, I heard and thought a lot about my contribution to the gentrification of the area. As a student, however, I found it fairly easy to justify my presence in that area, and frequented new and trendy little spots. Living in Bed Stuy is already a different story. Some parts of my new neighborhood is in the earlier stages of gentrification, meaning that I'm contributing to the demand for trendy real estate and shops instead of just taking advantage of the spaces already available. I'm trying to figure out ways to prioritize contributing to the rich community that already exists in this area.
• I'm a little worried about what I'm going to do without academia in my life. I love to learn, and learning about what I loved in a constructive and reliable environment was a very important part of my knowledge base for so many years. I'm thinking of ways to keep up with the field of psychology and goings-ons in the world in the absence of classes and being around other students. I've already gone to the public library and reserved a book that one of my favorite professors recommended to me last fall, but that I haven't had the time to read yet. I'm also planning on downloading podcasts and audio books to listen to on my commute, which will hopefully contribute to my continued education.

I'm so excited to start my next chapter here in New York and look forward to keeping you all up-to-date!

Seattle Art Museum: Yves Saint Laurent

The current special exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum features the work of Yves Saint Laurent, an acclaimed haute couture designer. While I try to go to as many SAM exhibits as possible, I made a point of going to this one.

Some quick background on Yves Saint Laurent: he started his career at Dior, where he quickly became the head designer for the fashion house upon Christian Dior's sudden death in 1957. After being fired from Dior, he started his own line with the idea that "fashion is for everyone" in mind.

The exhibit featured sketches, concepts, fabric samples, and the clothing themselves from the start of YSL in 1960 to 2000.

My new first-date dress, which reads, "love me forever."

Me (left) and Maddie (right) out on the town.

Before constructing the clothing, a sample is made from inexpensive fabric, a number of which are displayed here.

OOTD: Parks

My final big Seattle bucket list outing took me to two locations: Kerry Park and Gasworks Park. It was so windy at both locations that my hair was all over the place. I tried my hardest to make it part of the ~aesthetic~. Kerry Park has one of the best views of Seattle I've ever seen: it's way up on the top of the hill that makes up Queen Anne, so it has an ideal vantage point that overlooks the cityscape.

Gasworks Park also had a beautiful view of the city, with these beautiful old machines overgrown with ivy. My mom and I got so cold with our single outer layers that we had to leave after fifteen minutes!