My Story

Yesterday, I shared the story of my mental health history in the following Instagram:

Today is #nationalsuicidepreventionday. I want to join the dialogue on mental health by sharing my story 🌟 I was 15 when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The last five+ years have seen a flurry of therapists, psychiatrists, doctors, hospitals, prescription medication, and a blind search for something that would cure me of the terrors that plague me every single moment of my life. I have not yet found a cure. In fact, I've only managed to get progressively worse. After losing more than a quarter of my life to what is now recognized as chronic depression and anxiety, I'm trying to accept that this is something that I will struggle with the rest of my life. However, I still consider myself beyond lucky to be in a position where I can constantly take advantage of the treatments that are available. It kills me that there are others in my situation who can't even get the help they need. I hope that by sharing my story and moving to destroy the taboo surrounding mental health, people will see that it's ok to ask for help. I hope that opening the dialogue on mental health will create a demand and response for efficient and affordable mental health care across the world. Please do not be afraid to talk about what you have gone through. Join me in the discussion of mental health and help me see these hopes become a reality. #worldsuicidepreventionday

A photo posted by Hannah Goldstein (@thehannahgold) on Sep 10, 2015 at 5:24pm PDT

This experience was, in a word, terrifying. I wish I could tell you some inspiring story about how I worked up the courage to bare my soul to the world for the benefit of contributing to the dialogue on mental health in modern society, but that just wasn't the case. Over the years, I've developed a large number of coping strategies for dealing with anxiety and stressful situations. One of these coping strategies is straight up ignoring the situation I'm in. So, that's how I found myself able to be so vulnerable on the internet.

I'm still pretty nervous about having shared this thing that I tried so hard to keep hidden for so long. It's particularly nerve-wracking thinking about everyone who's read it. Sure, that was what I expected when I shared this on Facebook and Instagram, but it's still weird to think about. I'm friends with everyone on Facebook: my extended family, friends of my mom, my boyfriend's family, the popular kids from high school, people I've been in professional meetings with, etc.. To think that any of these people may have read such a personal story makes me really anxious, but the positive reinforcement I got from sharing my story makes me think the anxiety might be worth it.

It's strange to think that exactly a year ago, I was reading the Survival Stories on Life Ain't Easy But It's Worth It and thinking that I could never speak so honestly about my demons the way these inspiring young women did. Their stories inspired me to keep going and stay strong, even in the face of severe hardships. Maybe my story will do the same for someone else.

My Emotional Support Animal

Almost exactly a year ago, I adopted my sweet little Luxe. We've had a wonderful year together; from coordinating Halloween costumes to traveling the Pacific northwest together to generally looking cute as hell together, our lives together have been really amazing. But as great as it is having her as a pet, that's not her sole purpose in my life. Since it's National Suicide Prevention Week, I figured it's time I officially share this with you: Luxe is my emotional support animal.

An emotional support animal is, in many ways, a service animal. She travels with me, lives with me, and, of course, provides me with the very important service of supporting me emotionally. The main difference between an emotional support animal and a strict service animal is the process the animal has to go through to become certified. Luxe just had to be her sweet self to be certified as an emotional support animal by my psychiatrist and therapist. I spent months looking for the right dog to be my emotional support animal. My process started in spring of 2014, when my doctor recommended I look into getting one. 

I could go into the complicated intricacies of my long mental health record, but I would rather focus on how Luxe has helped me than in what ways. Part of this mental health record includes a history of panic attacks. Since getting Luxe, my panic attacks have decreased from weekly to once in a blue moon. In fact, I'm generally just less anxious. Being around such a calming presence has been so amazing for my anxiety. 

Luxe also helps out with quite a few other things that I deal with, be they daily or occasional symptoms of my mental illnesses. She can and has helped me get out of bed on days when it's felt impossible. On days when I haven't been able to get out of bed, just knowing that she's there depending on my care and love encourages me to get through times when it seems impossible to keep going. She may not be the cure-all treatment for everything that I struggle with, but she certainly helps quite a bit.

Luxe has absolutely changed my life. I'd recommend looking into an emotional support animal to anyone dealing with whatever mental health concerns they may be dealing with. Like I also mentioned earlier, though, she is not a cure-all treatment. Her companionship is helpful alongside the use of therapy sessions and thoughtfully prescribed medication. It may seem easy to just sign your pet up as an emotional support animal, but there's a reason a certified mental health professional is required in the process of certifying an emotional support animal. I'd strongly recommend taking advantage of the therapist or psychiatrist involvement required in the process of getting an emotional support animal.

While I haven't exactly been secretive about Luxe's role in my life, I haven't exactly been publicly upfront about it, either. I'm not ashamed that I need an emotional support animal. On the other hand, it's not entirely socially acceptable to discuss your mental health problems openly. Mental health is considered a taboo topic in modern society, even more so than physical health. By not talking openly about mental health, though, we discourage a lot of people from seeking the help they may desperately need. Promoting open and honest communication about mental health is an important part of promoting suicide prevention. As hard as it is to admit and talk about the mental illnesses I suffer from, it adds to the dialogue about mental health and suicide prevention, which can only encourage the dialogue to grow and give people the confidence to seek the help they need.

OOTD: Capitol Hill Pridefest

As I mentioned in my last post, I went to my first Pride event this last weekend. I really wanted to dress up and partake in the extravagant festivities, but I don't actually own a lot of colorful clothing, let alone anything rainbow. So, I made do with some colorful nail polish and some cute accessories. I chose my outfit very carefully: I wore this pink heart stone bracelet and heart studs along my eyebrows to celebrate love in every form, and I rocked my Life Ain't Easy shirt because suicide rates among LGBTQ+ individuals are unfortunately high, which is an important battle in the LGBTQ+ movement.

Capitol Hill Pride

This weekend was truly monumental in LGBTQ* history. Friday marked the SCOTUS decision to legalize non-traditional marriage on a federal level, which was the perfect way to end LGBTQ* Pride Month and kick off Pride Weekend. This was also the first time in my twenty years on Earth that I've been able to attend a PrideFest.

I've loved seeing my neighborhood and city get involved in Pride Month. Companies and individuals alike joined together to participate in awesome programs like the SPD Safe Place, which offers LGBTQ* individuals safe places to turn to in case of hate crimes. Plus, there were rainbows everywhere, which was both supportive and lots of fun!

These rainbow sidewalks were unveiled by Mayor Murray himself last week. They're scattered across Capitol Hill as a way of acknowledging and celebrating this historically LGBTQ*-friendly neighborhood. I love this long-lasting proof of Pride!

Brendan let me paint his nails rainbow and we matched! It was a very fun excursion for all three of us (me, him, and Luxe).

I regret having spent so little time in my life actively supporting the LGBTQ* community. Since high school and especially since coming to Seattle, I've been working to understand the movements and struggles the LGBTQ* communities across the world undergo. This knowledge is helping me understand my role as an Ally. It's important to me that I don't tread on the toes of anyone inherently involved in the movement. I want to use my voice and privilege as a loudspeaker, not as a separate voice speaking my own opinions or beliefs. While I'm working on learning and getting more involved in the LGBTQ* movement, I'm enjoying the festivities along the way.

A Week Without Makeup

I've recently read a couple articles citing Audre Lorde and bell hooks to argue that makeup can never be considered feminist. As a big believer that makeup can be extremely empowering to women, I found this interesting. The basic argument is this: wearing makeup, whether it's to please yourself or to please the public, cannot let you reclaim your body and your beauty as it is still playing into ideals of beauty established in a patriarchal society. I am not going to get into my personal opinion on this argument as this is neither the place nor the time, but these articles did get me thinking about whether or not I could go without wearing makeup.
I don't wear makeup everyday. This isn't a statement or anything. In all honesty, it's just because I'm kind of lazy. However, I do love a good bold lip color and some mascara to make my fine eyelashes a little more proportional. So, I challenged myself to go a full week without makeup of any kind. No tinted lip balm, no concealer, no eye brightener, nothing. I photographed myself each day and wrote a little reflection on how I'd felt that day. I didn't find anything revolutionary in the process, but some of what I found did surprise me.

{photo via Carissa Gallo}

Monday: This is already kind of hard; I wanted to wear lipstick today! I felt kind of self-conscious in situations when I felt under-dressed.

Tuesday: I actually had extra time in my morning routine, so I caught up on some reading instead of spending that time to do my makeup. I felt self-conscious today and didn't want to look at my reflection in the mirror.

Wednesday: I had a bit of a late start, so I felt comfortable going makeup-less because I wouldn't have had time anyways. I've been spending a couple extra minutes on my hair in the mornings. I just want to feel presentable!

Thursday: I wonder if anyone else notices I'm not wearing makeup. My eyes feel tired and I'm worried it shows.

Friday: I used to think I only used makeup to add to my look (i.e. with statement lipstick and winged eyeliner), but I'm starting to figure out a lot of my makeup routine actually focuses on hiding what I'm self-conscious of. Some days I'm particularly self-conscious of my stubby eyelashes, my too-small eyes, and my undefined lips. Wearing makeup really can make me feel better about my appearance sometimes.

Saturday: I didn't recognize myself in the mirror today. I guess I need some of the enhancements of makeup to feel like myself. That seems like a bit of a slippery slope to me. I feel like I need longer eyelashes, bigger lips, bigger eyes, and smoother skin to feel the most comfortable in my own skin. But the more women like me rely on things like serums and extensions and makeup, the more the unrealistic standard of beauty in society is enforced. I don't want my daughter to feel like she has to spend hours on her appearance just to feel comfortable around other women. Maybe hooks and Lorde are right.

Sunday: I think I feel comfortable without makeup, but I don't feel pretty or stylish. I don't know how important it is to me that I find inherent beauty in my naked face, though. The only time that would serve to be convenient is when I don't have time to put on makeup on days that I really wanted to wear makeup.

Well, 7 days without makeup was certainly interesting... But I'm going to have to make up for it in the next 7 days. Stay tuned to see what I do next week!

Spread the Gratitude

I am so absolutely fortunate every single day of my life. Though I, like every human to ever have lived, still face struggles and challenges in my life, these obstacles are manageable. I am grateful for this and many other things in my life, though I know I could always be more expressive in this gratitude. I figure today on Thanksgiving is as good a time as any to evaluate all the wonderful things in my life, as well as what I can do with my life to bring a little fortune to others.

1. I'm thankful for my opportunities for higher education. I love Seattle University and everything that comes with being a college student.

         How I can spread the gratitude: Most universities accept donations to their scholarship funds (merit, sports, or other) by alumni. Access to higher education shouldn't be determined by access to a certain kind of finances.

2. I'm thankful for art as a way to keep my emotions in check and express myself. I may not be a very good painter, but I really do like it!
        How I can spread the gratitude: There are countless programs that let artists of all skill levels volunteer to spread creativity and love for art to those who may not have other opportunities to engage in art.

3. I'm thankful for my giant & crazy family... And for being able to see them at least once a year!

      How I can spread the gratitude: Some kids aren't lucky enough to have great role models in their cousins or other relatives, but there are plenty of programs that offer these kids with volunteers that can serve as an extended family!

4. I'm thankful for the great food I get around the holiday season and the wonderful friends and family I have to share it with.

     How I can share the gratitude: Organizations that feed the homeless always need volunteers and donations, especially around the holiday season.

5. I'm thankful for how frequently I'm able to travel. I love being able to see the world and experience things different from what I'm used to. Plus, there are some really beautiful places out there!

      How I can share the gratitude: As a past exchange student myself, I love the idea of giving back to other exchange students either by hosting or helping sponsor an exchange student.

Luxe says... "I'm thankful for having a loving and caring home!" Living on the streets and in animal shelters is hard, especially compared to the love that comes with a stable home environment.

      How I can share the gratitude: Volunteering at local animal shelters and donating food to animal shelters helps out our furry friends an awful lot.

I'm thankful for an awful lot in my life, and Thanksgiving is the perfect excuse for me to express and share that gratitude. What do you do with the things in your life that you're grateful for? 

An Open Letter to North West

#BreakTheInternet

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Nov 11, 2014 at 6:13pm PST

My dear fellow daughter,

When you were born, you were just as bare as your mother is today on the cover of a magazine. Now, I'm sure you have no idea what is going on because, at the tender age of 17 months, your mother's body is your source of love and life.

Even if an angry reader were to push these pictures in your undoubtedly confused face, you wouldn't see a scandal. Instead, you would see the hips that bore you, the thighs that birthed you, the breasts that fed you.

To some, your mother's body is purely for show. To these people, your mother is showing her body in the wrong way. Well, Ms. North West, you are living proof that your mother's body is much more than just a source of entertainment.

I, too, have a mother, a mother who was never shy about her body when I was your age. I learned from my mother what I hope you learn from yours: that a body is not inherently sexy. Your body serves many more purposes, each more important than the last. Sex is but one function of the human body, and is arguably the least important function.Your body, much like your mother's, gives you life. That life is more important and more of a reason to treasure your body than a sexual gaze could ever be.

You, like my mother, might never appear nude on the cover of a magazine for any number of perfectly valid reasons. You might choose to honor your body by keeping it private, or to keep yourself covered for other personal reasons. But one thing I hope you never do is harass women, including your mother, for the choices they have made concerning how they have chosen to honor their own bodies. Provocative or not, your mother's body is her own, as I'm sure you are well aware, and she may do with it as she pleases. Do not let anyone else tell you otherwise.

You are entitled to your own opinion; this just so happens to be mine.

On Turning 20

Today on my 20th birthday, I'm taking some time to reflect on these last 20 years and the lessons I've learned along the way. These pieces of knowledge are based on my personal experiences, and you may not have found them to be your own truths. I'm sure I'll unlearn several of these lessons, while others still I will continue to have thrust in my face until I truly learn them. As long as I feel I've lived, I know that I have a hell of a lot more life to live and I hope in 20 years I've learned a hell of a lot more.

1. Everyone is different, but different is not synonymous with "bad." Respect differences of opinions, beliefs, cultures, priorities, wants, needs, and lifestyles.

2. Put yourself first. You are the only one who knows what you need and how/when you need it, and there's no use waiting around hoping someone else is going to magically guess exactly what this is. Rely on yourself and you'll find it a lot easier to offer support to those in your life when they need it.

3. Invest in a good bra. I'm not sure what the equivalent of this would be for those of you who don't wear bras, but it's still been an important lesson I've learned in my own life. Trends may come and go, but chances are your breasts aren't going anywhere. Fork over an extra couple bucks and your breasts (and your back and your posture and your self esteem) will thank you.

4. Don't forget to treat yourself. Even if your biggest accomplishment of the day was getting out of bed, it's still an accomplishment. Don't forget to acknowledge and reward yourself for a job well done.

5. Don't take shit from anyone, especially yourself.

6. You don't need to figure out what you're doing with the rest of your life. Not now, not even later. Just live and let your life figure itself out.

7. Leggings do so count as pants. You can absolutely wear socks with sandals, and I'm sure that ugly Christmas sweater you're wearing unironically is warm and comfortable. In other words, wear whatever the hell you want.

8. It's okay to ask for help. The people in your life are here to help you, but chances are they're not going to know what to do if you don't let them know. Once you're back on track you'll be happy to repay the favor.

9. Let your regrets fuel you, not hold you back. As a 15-year-old me once tried to say in an oral English final, "success is the best revenge."

10. Check your privilege. This doesn't mean you need to feel guilty about every choice you make or every word you speak. It does everyone good to examine their own personal bias and how it might affect their behavior and perspective of the world.

11. Listen before you speak, and listen when you're done speaking. There is so much more out there for you to hear and learn than there will ever be for you to say.

12. Do what you need to do to get through the day. I recently accepted that I need to spend more time in bed than most people do, and that just because I'd rather watch Netflix than work out doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm just trying to get through my day and if these coping mechanisms help me do so, then more power to me.

13. Make a reasonable budget and actually stick to it.

14. There are some things in life you'll need to do just for the experience. Other things you should never do even if people tell you the experience is worth it. Also: recognize that the people in your life are going to make different mistakes than you and have to try things you never tried to learn important lessons in life.

15. Learn how to prioritize. Make a list if you have to... No one wants to be the person who accidentally makes getting drunk their number one weekend priority every weekend just because they forgot to think about what else they wanted or needed to do that weekend.

16. Learn the difference between an opinion and a belief. One is a sum total of all the information you've gathered on a subject, and the other is simply something you hold true to yourself. Please act accordingly.

17. Try not to knock it until you try it... Note that this rule only applies to little things, like getting a facial or trying fast food.

18. Work hard to develop a loving relationship with yourself. You are the only constant in your life, and the sooner you are able to support and love yourself, the better.

19. You do not owe anything to the toxic people in your life. If someone is consistently taking advantage of you, making your relationship all about them, or making you feel bad about yourself, you do not need them in your life.

20. And finally, spend your life learning and immersing yourself in new things. After all: what is life if not one big learning experience?

The C Word

I was probably 14 when I accepted that I would probably get cancer at some point in my life. I know this is a terribly morbid way to open a blog post and for that I apologize, but when dealing with cancer, I've found honesty is really the only way to address the subject. I come from a family of cancer butt-kickers, be it as mild as an unusual mole or as invasive as breast cancer. Unfortunately, my family, like many others around the world, has lost several wonderful people to various types of cancer.

This month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, a month dedicated to promoting methods of prevention and raising money for research and other forms of help for those who can't afford the invasive and often expensive procedures. While there may not be a cure for cancer yet, there is still so much we as a community can do to help our fellow humans kick cancer'sbutt or avoid having to do so in the first place.

You can find hundreds of sites and posts dedicated to fundraisers, volunteer opportunities, the history of the month, breast cancer statistics, and other breast cancer-related subjects. When I was in seventh grade I made my very own website dedicated to the cause as part of my Mitzvah project, though I wish I could remember the URL/if I even still have it. I'm certainly no expert on breast cancer (though my grandmother is an expert on kicking its butt!), and I unfortunately do not have the time or resources to organize ways to aid those dealing with breast cancer. What I do have is a blog with a decent following and a passion for fashion.

So, as shallow as this seems, I'm here to tell you to make an effort to wear pink this month. Aside from being one of my favorite colors, pink is the color of the breast cancer ribbon, and has become commonly associated with breast cancer over the years. Wear pink regardless of your age and gender because this month, pink is not a color in your wardrobe: it is a statement and conversation starter. Raise awareness about breast cancer in your community-- the symptoms, methods of prevention, how we can help find the cure, and how every single person can contribute to creating a helpful and loving environment for those busy kicking cancer's butt.Wear pink and raise awareness for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so that one day society will only have to wear pink if they want to.

If you're looking to kill two metaphorical birds with one metaphorical stone (as I often am), there are plenty of organizations that create and sell pink merchandise and donate the proceeds to cancer research. Choose Hope, The Breast Cancer Site, the Keep A Breast Foundation through Forever 21, and Susan G. Komen are all working to both fight cancer and make cute clothing. For more, check out my list below.

I was 14 years old when I accepted that I would probably get cancer at some point in my life, but it was then that I also realized that cancer can't stop people from loving you. This month, I'm wearing pink for everyone I love in my life who has been affected by breast cancer whether through kicking its butt or supporting someone in their fight. I hope you join me in raising awareness.

National Suicide Prevention Week: Your Wrist is a Canvas

Earlier this week, I posted a picture on Instagram of my wrists decorated with drawings that inspired and made me feel happy and encouraged others to do the same in honor of National Suicide Prevention Week. There are many reasons that people draw on their wrists. Besides boredom and creative inspiration, drawing on one's wrists has a special meaning in the mental health community.

There's the Semicolon Project, an organization that began when the creator wanted to honor a friend of his who had lost their life to suicide. It aims to inspire individuals who have suffered from any number of mental health issues, including self harm. The semicolon represents a sentence, or a life, that could have ended but didn't. Besides being something that is drawn on peoples' wrists, it is also a popular tattoo choice for survivors of suicidal thoughts.

A semicolon isn't the only tattoo that survivors get. Getting a tattoo in celebration of surviving a mental illness is an awesome way to remind yourself how much you've been through, and that you came out okay on the other side. Take, for instance, Demi Lovato. After going to rehab for her long-time struggles with bulimia and self harm, she inscribed "stay strong" on her wrists as both a reminder and a source of inspiration. Others get a butterfly tattooed on their wrist in honor of the Butterfly Project, a project which encourages those struggling with self harm to draw a butterfly wherever they feel like self harming instead of hurting themselves.

Many self-help sites encourage drawing on yourself instead of hurting yourself; be it a butterfly, a semicolon, or anything else you can think of. The sensation of running a marker across your skin is meant to distract you from the desire to feel the sensation of self-harm.

During National Suicide Prevention Week, TWLOHA encourages both supporters and survivors alike to write "Love" on their wrist to both support and raise awareness of the cause.

Whatever the reason or inspiration behind the temporary body art, simply sharing it with the world and explaining your support of National Suicide Prevention Week spreads the light to those who might not know just how serious this cause is. As amazing and helpful as celebrity support and organizations like TWLOHA are, there still needs to be an active and widespread effort to prevent suicide and help those struggling with suicidal thoughts. In an age when mental health is finally starting to be recognized and treated properly, it's important to spread this awareness and incite dialogue in homes, schools, and even the government. It's important to keep an open mind, an open heart, and open your mouth about mental health so it can stop being so taboo and something can actually be done to help those struggling.

Thank you to Lauren, Hannah, Allie, Rachael, Kim, and Sarah for the pictures.

National Suicide Prevention Week: Fears vs. Dreams

No matter how hard we try, there will always be something we fear in life. Be it spiders, death, illness, or failure, our lives are consistently plagued with fear. But without fear, how would you have something to overcome and hope for?

This is the concept behind TWLOHA's campaign entitled Fears vs. Dreams. Though we all have things that make us feel frightened and even hopeless, there's always a reason to keep going. If you let your fears overwhelm your life, you'll never get to live out and achieve your dreams.

This is especially relevant during this week, National Suicide Prevention week. Many people who commit suicide do so in an attempt to escape their fears, as they feel they have no other option. But it's important to compare those fears to your dreams and remember that, as impossible as life can be, it can also be full of hope and fulfillment.

It took me several hours to think of what my fears and dreams are. It's something I subconsciously avoid thinking about to protect myself from any emotions that may come from such deep thought. However, as difficult as it is to submit myself to the possibility of experiencing painful emotions, it is important to be in touch with yourself.

Do you want to examine your own dreams and fears? Save the following image on your computer and fill it in yourself. You can submit it to the Fears vs. Dreams Tumblr account, or you can keep it for your own personal self reflection.

World Suicide Prevention Day: Life Ain't Easy

Today is the day upon which National Suicide Prevention Week is based: World Suicide Prevention Day. Every year on September 10th, communities across the globe band together to show their support for suffering members of their community and raise awareness on the subject. It is a day that has, especially following the tragic death of Robin Williams, become more and more recognized across the world.

There are, of course, members of these communities that actively aim to prevent suicide on a daily basis. One of these people is a childhood friend of mine, Kelly, who is a co-founder of one of the most inspirational sites in my bookmarks: Life Ain't Easy, But It's Worth It.

Speaking up about one's experience with suicide-- be it an attempt, thoughts, or knowing someone who's suffered these things-- is incredibly difficult. Kelly does it with grace and true inspiration, and encourages others to speak up as much or as little as they feel comfortable. Her courage and determination is truly motivational to myself, as someone with experience with suicide.

Though I still find it difficult to tell about my personal experience with suicide, I am beyond thrilled to have the blessing of knowing someone who has overcome that challenge. I feel very lucky to be able to support and work with Kelly on her quest to spread the love and stop teen suicide.

You can join Kelly and I on this quest by speaking out about mental health issues to crush the negative stigma that comes associated with them. You can also buy Life Ain't Easy shirts to raise awareness and start conversation. Each and every penny of your purchase goes through preventing teen suicide, be it through sponsoring treatments or supporting organizations that raise awareness. I got the tank top, though I currently have my eye on the baseball tee!

As always, you can shop the contents of this post on my Shopcade.