OOTD: 23

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

I celebrated my 23rd birthday last Friday. Another year of my life marked, another sappy post contemplating the meaning of life and my time on Earth.

*Trigger warning: suicide, depression, and themes of mental illness*

This was the year I realized how long life is. A strange side effect of being suicidal, for however long, is that you develop tunnel vision when it comes to thinking about the future. Except there's no light at the end of the tunnel, so you're left unable to see, fumbling around in the darkness, only able to perceive the immediate steps you're about to take.

When you unwillingly spend your time and energy desperately wishing for your life to be over, it becomes impossible to truly conceptualize your future. You may not realize it, but you don't think you have a future. Your brain simply can't comprehend how to think about something so impossible.

I've always thought I'm good at planning for my future. So far, I've completed some pretty significant parts of my life plan: I've studied in Spain, attended a private university, and moved to New York. Without my realizing it, though, I'd slipped into accepting that my life would be cut short.

I'd think a couple months, maybe a couple years into the future, but the best I could do was have kinda fuzzy ideas about what my long-term future looked like (I like to write, right? People retire, right? Dogs?).

In all honesty, the experience of being unable to think into the future isn't uncommon in people my age. In the process of developing a sense of self, many teens and young adults unconsciously come to perceive themselves as invincible. They simply cannot conceptualize their future, because their concept of self has not evolved past the present.

My fuzzy concept of the future was a combo of both depressive symptoms and age. Since being hospitalized 2 years ago and subsequently attending intensive therapy, I've turned the corner and committed myself to not acting on my suicidal urges. That, as well as simply growing older, has left me struck with just how LONG life is. 

I could own several dogs! I could live in so many cities! I could have several different career paths! I could go back to school! I could reach a point in my life where I want to work out! Suddenly, 23 doesn't feel so weighty. 

I've also started taking care of myself little by little. I've been adding veggies to my diet and cutting back on meals consisting simply of candy. I've started saving money not because that's what my parents have always told me to do, but because I'd like to have money to travel and to retire. I go to the doctor for preventative care instead of just to take care of immediate ailments.

Without even realizing it, I've committed to sticking around. I didn't even realize I wasn't committed until my treatment regimen pushed me to truly conceptualize a future. I'm another year older, and truly thrilled to live out my future and continue to work towards it.

On the note of living out my future, I'm already planning all the ways I can wear this floral romper soon — it's definitely coming down to Arizona with me next month. The piece was provided by Top Tier Style. If you would like to purchase your own, use the coupon code BLOG15 for 15% OFF everything on their store!

OOTD: Transparency

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

We all do embarrassing shit. We all do stuff we think others wouldn't approve of. We've all used our roommate's shampoo, kissed a friend's ex, or written a strongly-worded and not factually-sourced tweet about a current event we're not actually familiar with. When we realize what we've done or realize the likelihood of someone finding out, we're stricken with shame.

If you've made it far enough in life to be able to read this (and even if you haven't tbh), you are likely very intimate with shame. It's the feeling that accompanies not fitting into your environment and perceived failure. I say "perceived" failure because people often feel ashamed of life experiences that others wouldn't consider negative. You think there's something wrong with you, that you can't get anything right, and that others see you this way as well. You get that pit in your stomach and just want to disappear from sight.

A common response to shame is to vow to not reveal one's misstep to anyone. You've just done something wrong, something you may have even known was wrong. If our actions speak louder than words, doesn't doing something someone might consider wrong make you a little big wrong?

I've written about how talking about the not-so-perfect aspects of life on social media can contribute to an honest and positive social media environment. Now, I'm advocating that your honesty doesn't need to be blasted onto the internet for all the world to see for it to benefit the world. Being vulnerable and admitting your faults and missteps to a couple people will make you feel better.

I know, I know: One of the immediate symptoms of shame is to want to conceal your perceived shameful behavior from everyone. Hear me out. If you're experiencing shame without having your shameful behavior actually exposed to the world, you're feeling embarrassed in anticipation of what others might say. Just because you feel like you need to crawl into a hole doesn't mean that others think you should.

If you don't know how others are going to react — and you don't know unless they're actually reacting — there's often no point in trying to imagine. You can work with yourself to change how you perceive this failure. Telling others about your perceived failure can actually help you receive the validation and empathy you need in that situation. It can also lift the giant burden that accompanies keeping a shameful secret. Now, the experience gets to just be a human experience instead of a gross one.

To demonstrate the power of transparency when one is experiencing shame, I'm going to share a shameful secret of my own. I only shower once a week. Not wash my hair once a week, shower once a week. Everyone I know showers a couple times a week. Some people shower every day. I've met people who often shower twice a day. I know that once a week is not very often to shower, and I'm very ashamed of my showering habits. At the same time, this habit doesn't affect me negatively enough for me to divert any energy away from the more important things I'm working on to change it. I recently started telling people about this shameful habit of mine when it comes up in conversation. Instead of lying about why my hair looks nice and shiny on day 5, I answer honestly when someone asks: I haven't showered in 5 days. I don't even justify it with a lie about how often I use dry shampoo. I'm just honest.

And guess what: I'm still here, feeling better than ever! Most of the time, people move on pretty quickly, and I realize that this thing I've been feeling gross over for years isn't actually a big deal. Sometimes people even empathize, which makes me feel even better. Honestly, sometimes people express disgust. Maybe one day I'll shower more often, but it won't be because a couple people have told me my shower schedule doesn't match theirs.

So, you see, transparency can make your life better. Just like this transparent bodysuit has made my life better (I feel so sparkly and fun!). Except, unlike this item of clothing, honesty will never go out of style.

What do you do when you're experiencing shame? If you've tried honesty (either in certain situations or as a policy), how has it affected your life? Let me know in the comments below!

OOTD: On Growth

*TW* Depression, anxiety, and other themes of mental health.

Last week, my therapist told me that the goal of life isn't to be perfect: it's to grow. This makes sense, and it isn't the first time I've heard it. No one can be perfect, and denying this makes making progress harder. It's hard to work when your goal is objectively unattainable. At the same time, though, this statement hit a little too hard. I've spent my whole life trying to be the best. What am I supposed to work towards if not perfection?

Dealing with depression and anxiety as an analytical person is interesting, because my emotion and reasonable mind are both regularly functioning on high and are often in conflict with each other. My emotion mind screams that I cannot possibly solve any given problem, and that there's no point in even trying because I was miserable before this problem arose and I'll likely be miserable even if I solve the problem. My reasonable mind overcompensates, telling me that I can solve every single issue I'm faced with, so long as I do everything right.

This is how I've tried to address everything in my life for as long as I can remember. Doing everything right, though, is exhausting. Sure, I'm taking good care of myself – I see my therapist weekly, my general practitioner regularly, I get in 30 minutes of exercise a day, I've cut back on sugars and added vegetables to my daily diet, I stretch every day, and I walk around with the most pertinent pages of my DBT handbook to deal with emergencies. But good is not perfection. I don't eat enough potassium, I could exercise more strenuously, I could eat plain oatmeal instead of adding brown sugar, I spend too much time in bed, and the other day, someone told me that I should go gluten-free if I wanted my depressive symptoms to ease up. In my mind, then, it doesn't matter that I'm doing better than I was a couple years ago: I'm not "cured" because I'm still not doing everything right.

And that's just to mention the things I know about that I could be doing better. Another key part of solving problems is being armed with knowledge. I am a firm believer that the more you know, the better you can do. I mean, I have a degree in psychology partially because I wanted to know everything about how to make myself "better" after being diagnosed with depression at age 15. Knowledge is a valuable power, but it's not the only power out there. 

After all, no one can know everything. Neither can you act on everything, as so much of what humanity knows is conflicting. So, striving toward knowing everything and behaving perfectly is inherently a doomed mission, certain only to create failure and self-doubt.

By no measure do I consider myself near perfection. I'm simply so obsessed with obtaining perfection in every aspect of my life that the growth I have made seems embarrassing when compared to my goal. I am so obsessed with obtaining perfection that, no matter what I do, I find myself trying to figure out how I could have done better, and how I'll do better next time. I am committed to growing and becoming a better person, more than I am committed to anything in life. Part of being a better person, I think, means being realistic and accepting of one's flaws and missteps. Plus, over-analyzing everything I do takes time away from actually living life. 

I'm not sure how to end this blog post because I'm still trying to figure out what I'm working towards if I'm not working to be the best. So, I'll end by saying that I've been waiting since the spring to wear this outfit with my denim jacket for the blog. It's the middle of October, but on the day my friend Sydney took photos of me, it was still too hot for a jacket. I'm going to post these pictures without thinking of how I should have worn this outfit another day or powered through and worn the jacket anyways. 

OOTD: Wardrobe Malfunction

So, a funny thing happened when I went to put on this skirt to meet my friends in Soho the other day: the pull on the zipper burst off. Most of my skirts are too big for me anyways, so I knew I'd have to use a safety pin to make this skirt fit. Instead, I had to use it to actually keep my skirt together. 

Do you see where the skirt overlaps? Yeah, that's where the safety pin is.

As I've already mentioned, I have to use safety pins on most of my skirts because I simply can't afford to replace everything I own that's too big for me. I've had to get pretty creative about wearing all the clothing I own that doesn't fit, is broken, or is stained. I rock a lot of belts, layers, and, of course, safety pins. I recently used a twist tie that came on some cotton candy to fix a necklace that'd broken in the middle of the day. 

That's all part of the Broke & Fabulous lifestyle: making it work. In addition to reselling my clothing to fund new additions to my closet, I also continue to wear things past their expiration date. I don't even try to hide it that well all the time. I used to really worry about it, but I've realized that people don't look as closely at you as you worry that they do. Even when they do, what does their opinion matter? I'm just living my best life, and using the money I would have used to replace this skirt to fund a trip or to pay off my student loans.

It's not just economical: it's also more environmentally conscious. The average American throws away dozens of pounds of textiles, including clothing, every year. This makes fashion one of the most wasteful and polluting industries in the world. Even though most of this waste and pollution comes from the textile factories themselves, individuals can do their part in not contributing to this issue by not throwing away still-usable clothing. I mean, look how cute this skirt still looks!

OOTD: The Wonder of Color

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

Here's a (not-so-secret) confession: I'm not big on wearing colors. I used to totally rock bright colors in high school, but as I've gotten older my closet has turned to neutrals and pastels. It doesn't help that I've spent the last 4 years living in Seattle and New York, where wearing all-black is part of the lifestyle. Every now and then, though, I find a colorful piece that I just have to have. This dress is one of those pieces.

I bought this dress when I was going through my comfy body-con dress phase. I was drawn to the style more than the color, and told myself I'd wear this dress when I felt like standing out.

And, for a while, I did. Once I dyed my hair, though, wearing colors got that much harder. If I wanted to stand out, I'd go for a daring lipstick or a uniquely designed piece. After all, if a red dress is too much for me, pairing a red dress with my blue hair is definitely too much.

When Cassidy, Tomi and I decided to go to Coney Island last Saturday, Cassidy (the most experienced New Yorker of the bunch) said we should wear bright colors to match the colorful rides in the background. I found myself staring blankly at my clothing rack. This dress is the only colorful piece I own, and I've been waiting until my blue hair grows out to wear it. "I'll just wear white," I decided.

At the last minute, I threw this dress into my backpack on my way to meet Cassidy and Tomi. It's been years since I wore it in a blog post, and goodness knows I have to make the most out of my wardrobe when it comes to dressing for OOTD posts. I figured I'd throw my hair in a bun so the blue wouldn't clash with the red.

I really surprised myself when I looked in the mirror and liked seeing myself in all this color. Not only did I look great, but I still looked like myself. Usually when I try a trend I'm not naturally drawn towards, I don't feel authentic. One of the most important aspects of my sense of style is being true to myself and portraying myself the way I feel, not just the way others see me as a fashion blogger. I'm glad I tried something new, and I'm glad I truly committed to the look. Plus, these colors ended up matching the ferris island on Coney Island, which is pretty ideal.

Now that I'm back in the land of shades of gray (literally), I'm content to let this red dress hang untouched on my clothing rack. It's nice to know, though, that I can totally pull it off if and when I so choose.

OOTD: Grad Announcements

So, I know I already graduated... But I'm back for more. My college only has one commencement ceremony a year, so I'm headed back to Seattle in June to walk with the rest of my class. I already have my diploma and an internship, so I'm feeling pretty good for someone who doesn't walk the stage for another month.

Seeing as I'm not in Seattle, throwing together photos for my grad announcements took a little more effort. My cap and gown are waiting for me in Seattle, so I borrowed my friend Corina's for the weekend. I wouldn't be able to take pictures on campus, so I leaned into my status as a New York resident. You can see the Manhattan skyline from my roof (including the Empire State Building), so I took my pictures up there to highlight where I'm at right now.

Of COURSE Luxe got in on my graduation shoot! She accompanied me to all of my classes sophomore-junior year, so she's pretty much an honorary graduate.

ConGRADulations to all my fellow graduates from the class of 2017!