OOTD: 23

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

I celebrated my 23rd birthday last Friday. Another year of my life marked, another sappy post contemplating the meaning of life and my time on Earth.

*Trigger warning: suicide, depression, and themes of mental illness*

This was the year I realized how long life is. A strange side effect of being suicidal, for however long, is that you develop tunnel vision when it comes to thinking about the future. Except there's no light at the end of the tunnel, so you're left unable to see, fumbling around in the darkness, only able to perceive the immediate steps you're about to take.

When you unwillingly spend your time and energy desperately wishing for your life to be over, it becomes impossible to truly conceptualize your future. You may not realize it, but you don't think you have a future. Your brain simply can't comprehend how to think about something so impossible.

I've always thought I'm good at planning for my future. So far, I've completed some pretty significant parts of my life plan: I've studied in Spain, attended a private university, and moved to New York. Without my realizing it, though, I'd slipped into accepting that my life would be cut short.

I'd think a couple months, maybe a couple years into the future, but the best I could do was have kinda fuzzy ideas about what my long-term future looked like (I like to write, right? People retire, right? Dogs?).

In all honesty, the experience of being unable to think into the future isn't uncommon in people my age. In the process of developing a sense of self, many teens and young adults unconsciously come to perceive themselves as invincible. They simply cannot conceptualize their future, because their concept of self has not evolved past the present.

My fuzzy concept of the future was a combo of both depressive symptoms and age. Since being hospitalized 2 years ago and subsequently attending intensive therapy, I've turned the corner and committed myself to not acting on my suicidal urges. That, as well as simply growing older, has left me struck with just how LONG life is. 

I could own several dogs! I could live in so many cities! I could have several different career paths! I could go back to school! I could reach a point in my life where I want to work out! Suddenly, 23 doesn't feel so weighty. 

I've also started taking care of myself little by little. I've been adding veggies to my diet and cutting back on meals consisting simply of candy. I've started saving money not because that's what my parents have always told me to do, but because I'd like to have money to travel and to retire. I go to the doctor for preventative care instead of just to take care of immediate ailments.

Without even realizing it, I've committed to sticking around. I didn't even realize I wasn't committed until my treatment regimen pushed me to truly conceptualize a future. I'm another year older, and truly thrilled to live out my future and continue to work towards it.

On the note of living out my future, I'm already planning all the ways I can wear this floral romper soon — it's definitely coming down to Arizona with me next month. The piece was provided by Top Tier Style. If you would like to purchase your own, use the coupon code BLOG15 for 15% OFF everything on their store!

OOTD: Suit & Tie

Lace-up flats - Rag & Bone leather-detail suit pants - Forever 21 tie-neck button-up - Rag & Bone blazer

This is my first OOTD in Brooklyn! This is a cute wall I found on my first day taking Luxe on a walk. The skeleton immediately drew my eye, but what I love is the remainder of the "my masculinity does not threaten yours" poster. This poster is part of a series called "Stop Telling Women To Smile"  by an artist actually based out of Brooklyn. The whole idea of the series is to use street art to reclaim the streets as a safe environment for women to exist in. I chose to wear this suit in this location because I believe very firmly that anyone, regardless of sex or gender identity, is able to wear whatever they feel most comfortable in. For me, that often means a dress (regardless of the weather), but for other women, that may mean a suit. The future of fashion absolutely means foregoing gender norms and letting people wear whatever makes them feel most themselves.
This suit was part of my Hanukkah gift this year: my mom found a brand-new Rag & Bone suit at Last Chance for 1/15 of the price. It's the nicest thing I've ever owned (apart from my dog, who's nice in another way), and I'm excited to wear it in a professional context one day.

Fall Ball 2016

Seattle University hosts one formal event a year: Fall Ball. We're a small campus without Greek life, so this is really it for us. I've only been one other time, but couldn't miss out on my last chance. The theme was "In Space," and I kind of went all-out. As a broke college student, one of my favorite (totally non-Kosher) things to do is use makeup products in a way other than their intended purpose. This lipstick is actually an eyeshadow stick, and my eyeshadow/eyebrow highlight is a liquid eyeliner.

I didn't see Luxe in this picture until writing this post, but Evelyn and I look too good to delete it.

As I'm sure those of you who have followed me for a while know, I'm usually pretty nervous to go out to social occasions that have more than five people at them. Luckily, I have a number of friends who share my social priorities and are down to do things a little differently. Evelyn and I got ready watching the Office, spent our time at the event walking through the exhibits at the EMP, and were home in bed by 11:30. I'm so lucky to have friends with whom I can share my college experience and who I truly enjoy.

Huge shoutout to Evelyn and Sophia's boyfriends for letting me steal them to be my dates for the evening. Don't we all look so cute?

OOTD: Too Hot

I love going home for the weekend because I make my photographer sister take pictures of me. It was so unbearably hot in Bend the weekend I was home that I couldn't even stand to wear this lace kimono for the longer than the length of this shoot! I usually feel self-conscious in this color (maybe I have witch undertones?), but it matches this top so I decided to put aside my self-judgements and rock it anyway.

OOTD: Lace & Leather

I bought this dress at Nordstrom Rack as something to wear to work at my new job at the Flagship Nordstrom in downtown Seattle. The irony that I now receive a discount at Nordstrom Rack is not lost on me. I've been looking for an interesting twist on a lace dress (my last attempted purchase is for sale on my Poshmark because it ended up being way too small), and the ruffles on the top definitely fulfill the interesting aspect. I wore it over a longer white dress instead of the shift it came with to give it the cool layered look.

OOTD: Urban Setting

I've been admiring this wall every time I walk past it for the last couple months. One of my favorite parts of living in a city is that, because everything is so close together, there's so much to see in even a short walk to the grocery store. I based this outfit on the lip color that I bought after seeing it modeled on Twitter. I love rocking black, white, and neutrals, especially with my colorful hair.