OOTD: On Growth

*TW* Depression, anxiety, and other themes of mental health.

Last week, my therapist told me that the goal of life isn't to be perfect: it's to grow. This makes sense, and it isn't the first time I've heard it. No one can be perfect, and denying this makes making progress harder. It's hard to work when your goal is objectively unattainable. At the same time, though, this statement hit a little too hard. I've spent my whole life trying to be the best. What am I supposed to work towards if not perfection?

Dealing with depression and anxiety as an analytical person is interesting, because my emotion and reasonable mind are both regularly functioning on high and are often in conflict with each other. My emotion mind screams that I cannot possibly solve any given problem, and that there's no point in even trying because I was miserable before this problem arose and I'll likely be miserable even if I solve the problem. My reasonable mind overcompensates, telling me that I can solve every single issue I'm faced with, so long as I do everything right.

This is how I've tried to address everything in my life for as long as I can remember. Doing everything right, though, is exhausting. Sure, I'm taking good care of myself – I see my therapist weekly, my general practitioner regularly, I get in 30 minutes of exercise a day, I've cut back on sugars and added vegetables to my daily diet, I stretch every day, and I walk around with the most pertinent pages of my DBT handbook to deal with emergencies. But good is not perfection. I don't eat enough potassium, I could exercise more strenuously, I could eat plain oatmeal instead of adding brown sugar, I spend too much time in bed, and the other day, someone told me that I should go gluten-free if I wanted my depressive symptoms to ease up. In my mind, then, it doesn't matter that I'm doing better than I was a couple years ago: I'm not "cured" because I'm still not doing everything right.

And that's just to mention the things I know about that I could be doing better. Another key part of solving problems is being armed with knowledge. I am a firm believer that the more you know, the better you can do. I mean, I have a degree in psychology partially because I wanted to know everything about how to make myself "better" after being diagnosed with depression at age 15. Knowledge is a valuable power, but it's not the only power out there. 

After all, no one can know everything. Neither can you act on everything, as so much of what humanity knows is conflicting. So, striving toward knowing everything and behaving perfectly is inherently a doomed mission, certain only to create failure and self-doubt.

By no measure do I consider myself near perfection. I'm simply so obsessed with obtaining perfection in every aspect of my life that the growth I have made seems embarrassing when compared to my goal. I am so obsessed with obtaining perfection that, no matter what I do, I find myself trying to figure out how I could have done better, and how I'll do better next time. I am committed to growing and becoming a better person, more than I am committed to anything in life. Part of being a better person, I think, means being realistic and accepting of one's flaws and missteps. Plus, over-analyzing everything I do takes time away from actually living life. 

I'm not sure how to end this blog post because I'm still trying to figure out what I'm working towards if I'm not working to be the best. So, I'll end by saying that I've been waiting since the spring to wear this outfit with my denim jacket for the blog. It's the middle of October, but on the day my friend Sydney took photos of me, it was still too hot for a jacket. I'm going to post these pictures without thinking of how I should have worn this outfit another day or powered through and worn the jacket anyways. 

OOTD: In Praise of the Outfit Repeater

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

Alright, let's be real: who among us has NOT re-worn their favorite outfit (or outfits)? After all, if you love something, why not indulge in it more than once? That's how I feel about these striped pants and white crop top.

Maybe it's just that "The Lizzie McGuire Movie" had a huge effect on my childhood, but I've long operated under the assumption that wearing an outfit (or even a special piece) more than once is ~against the rules~.

This moment shaped my approach toward fashion more than I care to admit.

For the most part, striving to not re-wear the same outfit pushes me to be creative with my wardrobe. I love mixing and matching everything I own to create something new every day. There are, however, a number of reasons to re-wear your favorite outfit.

Sometimes, you buy a piece that only goes with one other thing in your closet. As you might imagine, these pants are a bit tricky to match with. Not only is the pattern a little daunting, but the thin fabric makes it hard to tuck a shirt into them, a trick I rely heavily upon. This shirt is one of the only things I own that works well with these pants.

I also tend to outfit repeat when I know I'm going to be seen by different people each time I wear the outfit. I wore this outfit first to work, then on a weekend outing with friends, and finally on a casual date. Each time I wore the outfit, someone was seeing it for the first time. In their eyes, I wasn't really outfit repeating.

Finally (and this is the most important argument in my case for outfit repeating), you should re-wear an outfit if and whenever you damn well please. Do you like the outfit? Yes? Great, then wear it as often as you'd like. Clothing serves a number of functions: to express ourselves, to cover our naked bodies, to signal belonging to a specific social group, etc. The most important function clothing serves is to please ourselves. If you like it, wear it. If you really like it, keep wearing it.

Someone recently told me about a coworker of theirs who, in an experiment to test peoples' awareness, wore the same outfit every day for a week. By the end of the week, they were still receiving compliments from the rest of the office, even though theoretically they'd seen the dress every day for five days. People are generally too unobservant to care that you've worn the same outfit multiple times, or even multiple days in a row. Just wear whatever makes you feel your best.

OOTD: Wardrobe Malfunction

So, a funny thing happened when I went to put on this skirt to meet my friends in Soho the other day: the pull on the zipper burst off. Most of my skirts are too big for me anyways, so I knew I'd have to use a safety pin to make this skirt fit. Instead, I had to use it to actually keep my skirt together. 

Do you see where the skirt overlaps? Yeah, that's where the safety pin is.

As I've already mentioned, I have to use safety pins on most of my skirts because I simply can't afford to replace everything I own that's too big for me. I've had to get pretty creative about wearing all the clothing I own that doesn't fit, is broken, or is stained. I rock a lot of belts, layers, and, of course, safety pins. I recently used a twist tie that came on some cotton candy to fix a necklace that'd broken in the middle of the day. 

That's all part of the Broke & Fabulous lifestyle: making it work. In addition to reselling my clothing to fund new additions to my closet, I also continue to wear things past their expiration date. I don't even try to hide it that well all the time. I used to really worry about it, but I've realized that people don't look as closely at you as you worry that they do. Even when they do, what does their opinion matter? I'm just living my best life, and using the money I would have used to replace this skirt to fund a trip or to pay off my student loans.

It's not just economical: it's also more environmentally conscious. The average American throws away dozens of pounds of textiles, including clothing, every year. This makes fashion one of the most wasteful and polluting industries in the world. Even though most of this waste and pollution comes from the textile factories themselves, individuals can do their part in not contributing to this issue by not throwing away still-usable clothing. I mean, look how cute this skirt still looks!

OOTD: The Wonder of Color

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

Here's a (not-so-secret) confession: I'm not big on wearing colors. I used to totally rock bright colors in high school, but as I've gotten older my closet has turned to neutrals and pastels. It doesn't help that I've spent the last 4 years living in Seattle and New York, where wearing all-black is part of the lifestyle. Every now and then, though, I find a colorful piece that I just have to have. This dress is one of those pieces.

I bought this dress when I was going through my comfy body-con dress phase. I was drawn to the style more than the color, and told myself I'd wear this dress when I felt like standing out.

And, for a while, I did. Once I dyed my hair, though, wearing colors got that much harder. If I wanted to stand out, I'd go for a daring lipstick or a uniquely designed piece. After all, if a red dress is too much for me, pairing a red dress with my blue hair is definitely too much.

When Cassidy, Tomi and I decided to go to Coney Island last Saturday, Cassidy (the most experienced New Yorker of the bunch) said we should wear bright colors to match the colorful rides in the background. I found myself staring blankly at my clothing rack. This dress is the only colorful piece I own, and I've been waiting until my blue hair grows out to wear it. "I'll just wear white," I decided.

At the last minute, I threw this dress into my backpack on my way to meet Cassidy and Tomi. It's been years since I wore it in a blog post, and goodness knows I have to make the most out of my wardrobe when it comes to dressing for OOTD posts. I figured I'd throw my hair in a bun so the blue wouldn't clash with the red.

I really surprised myself when I looked in the mirror and liked seeing myself in all this color. Not only did I look great, but I still looked like myself. Usually when I try a trend I'm not naturally drawn towards, I don't feel authentic. One of the most important aspects of my sense of style is being true to myself and portraying myself the way I feel, not just the way others see me as a fashion blogger. I'm glad I tried something new, and I'm glad I truly committed to the look. Plus, these colors ended up matching the ferris island on Coney Island, which is pretty ideal.

Now that I'm back in the land of shades of gray (literally), I'm content to let this red dress hang untouched on my clothing rack. It's nice to know, though, that I can totally pull it off if and when I so choose.

OOTD: Part of the Skyline

On Saturday, I took a trip to the East River State Park in Williamsburg to see what Smorgasburg was all about. Here are the Cliff notes: it's expensive, crowded, and just as cool as it was in "Master of None".

Since summer's been in New York, I've been struggling a little more to get dressed in the morning. I need to be work-appropriate during the week, which can be difficult in 90 F heat. Yeah, I know that's not actually that bad, but I'm from the Pacific North West! 90 feels like death.

On the weekend, though, I want to take advantage of not having to wear appropriate clothing. I try not to buy a lot of clothes that I can't wear to the office; it doesn't make sense to only own clothing that I can wear 2/7ths of the time. My office has a pretty lax dress code, so all of my week-wear is really cute and totally wearable outside the office. This isn't too dissimilar from my time in college, when I could basically wear anything I wanted to class. Now that I work in a professional environment, the few things I can't wear stick out like a sore thumb, and I often think about how badly I want to wear my ripped jeans or crop tops during the week.

I definitely can't wear this shirt to work, for example, so I wanted to wear it this weekend because I haven't worn it since I bought it. The only problem is that I didn't want to wear it with ANYTHING in my closet. It usually takes me 15 minutes to get dressed and ready in the morning, but I took a full 45 minutes to sort through everything I own trying to figure out how to best take advantage of not having to adhere to a dress code.

So... A little silly, right? I'm working on finding a balance between being happy with what I wear and getting out of the house in a reasonable amount of time. One of my goals is to stop putting pressure on myself to look picture perfect every day. What really matters is the experience I have on my days off, not what I look like on these adventures. Plus, I can definitely put a cute outfit like this together in a couple minutes if I don't push myself for perfection.

How do you dress for the weekend/your days off? Let me know in the comments below!

OOTD: Grad Announcements

So, I know I already graduated... But I'm back for more. My college only has one commencement ceremony a year, so I'm headed back to Seattle in June to walk with the rest of my class. I already have my diploma and an internship, so I'm feeling pretty good for someone who doesn't walk the stage for another month.

Seeing as I'm not in Seattle, throwing together photos for my grad announcements took a little more effort. My cap and gown are waiting for me in Seattle, so I borrowed my friend Corina's for the weekend. I wouldn't be able to take pictures on campus, so I leaned into my status as a New York resident. You can see the Manhattan skyline from my roof (including the Empire State Building), so I took my pictures up there to highlight where I'm at right now.

Of COURSE Luxe got in on my graduation shoot! She accompanied me to all of my classes sophomore-junior year, so she's pretty much an honorary graduate.

ConGRADulations to all my fellow graduates from the class of 2017!

OOTD: Florals? For Spring?

As soon as I saw this print on the rack at a Goodwill in Midtown, I knew I had to have this piece. When I pulled it out, though, I saw that it was a size 28– it was going to be too big for me. At $7.99, though, I wasn't about to pass up a floral print jumpsuit with these cute little butterfly sleeves. With a couple safety pins and this sash, I was able to make this look work for me.

One of the major cons of shopping at secondhand stores is that you often find an item you like in the wrong size. This can discourage you from wanting to shop secondhand. There are two alternatives to this problem. First, you can shop more frequently until you find the right piece in the right size. Second, you can figure out a way to make the ill-fitting piece work. You might need to learn how to sew a couple stitches or be ok with cutting some stuff up, but I promise that it's worth it.

I spent yesterday in the park with one of my roommates and my sister, who was visiting from Boston for the weekend. I didn't celebrate Passover for the first time since I lived in Spain this year, but I was grateful to be able to spend some time celebrating spring. There's a park just blocks from my house that I've been meaning to take Luxe to, and it was finally nice enough to check it out. What a great way to spend a Sunday.