OOTD: 23

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

I celebrated my 23rd birthday last Friday. Another year of my life marked, another sappy post contemplating the meaning of life and my time on Earth.

*Trigger warning: suicide, depression, and themes of mental illness*

This was the year I realized how long life is. A strange side effect of being suicidal, for however long, is that you develop tunnel vision when it comes to thinking about the future. Except there's no light at the end of the tunnel, so you're left unable to see, fumbling around in the darkness, only able to perceive the immediate steps you're about to take.

When you unwillingly spend your time and energy desperately wishing for your life to be over, it becomes impossible to truly conceptualize your future. You may not realize it, but you don't think you have a future. Your brain simply can't comprehend how to think about something so impossible.

I've always thought I'm good at planning for my future. So far, I've completed some pretty significant parts of my life plan: I've studied in Spain, attended a private university, and moved to New York. Without my realizing it, though, I'd slipped into accepting that my life would be cut short.

I'd think a couple months, maybe a couple years into the future, but the best I could do was have kinda fuzzy ideas about what my long-term future looked like (I like to write, right? People retire, right? Dogs?).

In all honesty, the experience of being unable to think into the future isn't uncommon in people my age. In the process of developing a sense of self, many teens and young adults unconsciously come to perceive themselves as invincible. They simply cannot conceptualize their future, because their concept of self has not evolved past the present.

My fuzzy concept of the future was a combo of both depressive symptoms and age. Since being hospitalized 2 years ago and subsequently attending intensive therapy, I've turned the corner and committed myself to not acting on my suicidal urges. That, as well as simply growing older, has left me struck with just how LONG life is. 

I could own several dogs! I could live in so many cities! I could have several different career paths! I could go back to school! I could reach a point in my life where I want to work out! Suddenly, 23 doesn't feel so weighty. 

I've also started taking care of myself little by little. I've been adding veggies to my diet and cutting back on meals consisting simply of candy. I've started saving money not because that's what my parents have always told me to do, but because I'd like to have money to travel and to retire. I go to the doctor for preventative care instead of just to take care of immediate ailments.

Without even realizing it, I've committed to sticking around. I didn't even realize I wasn't committed until my treatment regimen pushed me to truly conceptualize a future. I'm another year older, and truly thrilled to live out my future and continue to work towards it.

On the note of living out my future, I'm already planning all the ways I can wear this floral romper soon — it's definitely coming down to Arizona with me next month. The piece was provided by Top Tier Style. If you would like to purchase your own, use the coupon code BLOG15 for 15% OFF everything on their store!

OOTD: Part of the Skyline

On Saturday, I took a trip to the East River State Park in Williamsburg to see what Smorgasburg was all about. Here are the Cliff notes: it's expensive, crowded, and just as cool as it was in "Master of None".

Since summer's been in New York, I've been struggling a little more to get dressed in the morning. I need to be work-appropriate during the week, which can be difficult in 90 F heat. Yeah, I know that's not actually that bad, but I'm from the Pacific North West! 90 feels like death.

On the weekend, though, I want to take advantage of not having to wear appropriate clothing. I try not to buy a lot of clothes that I can't wear to the office; it doesn't make sense to only own clothing that I can wear 2/7ths of the time. My office has a pretty lax dress code, so all of my week-wear is really cute and totally wearable outside the office. This isn't too dissimilar from my time in college, when I could basically wear anything I wanted to class. Now that I work in a professional environment, the few things I can't wear stick out like a sore thumb, and I often think about how badly I want to wear my ripped jeans or crop tops during the week.

I definitely can't wear this shirt to work, for example, so I wanted to wear it this weekend because I haven't worn it since I bought it. The only problem is that I didn't want to wear it with ANYTHING in my closet. It usually takes me 15 minutes to get dressed and ready in the morning, but I took a full 45 minutes to sort through everything I own trying to figure out how to best take advantage of not having to adhere to a dress code.

So... A little silly, right? I'm working on finding a balance between being happy with what I wear and getting out of the house in a reasonable amount of time. One of my goals is to stop putting pressure on myself to look picture perfect every day. What really matters is the experience I have on my days off, not what I look like on these adventures. Plus, I can definitely put a cute outfit like this together in a couple minutes if I don't push myself for perfection.

How do you dress for the weekend/your days off? Let me know in the comments below!

#STOPPROFILING with truth

I am many things: a dog owner, a writer, someone with blue hair, a bisexual woman, Jewish, a picky eater, someone with depression and anxiety, a 6th generation Oregonian, etc. I make sure to surround myself with people who accept me and all my parts. Some of these identities, however, make me more susceptible to adversity and inequality. While these disadvantages are sometimes due to mere thoughtlessness, sometimes they come due to the systematic targeting of my communities. For instance, the LGBTQ community and those with mental illnesses have been profiled and targeted for years by tobacco companies, leading to higher prevalence rates in these communities.

The way advertising affects us has to do with the way our brains process external stimuli. Whether we realize it or not, everyone is sensitive to every piece of information in their environment. Our brains compile this information to form implicit memories, or memories that we can’t recall but that still influence the way we think and behave. Advertisements take advantage of our unknowing formation of implicit memories by flooding us with positive messages about specific products and brands. By advertising in “gay press” publications, hosting local “LGBT bar nights”, and participating in pride events, Big Tobacco has associated itself with a fun and healthy LGBTQ lifestyle. The fact that LGBTQ youths are nearly 2.5 times more likely to smoke than their straight peers is no coincidence: it’s the result of decades of profiling and targeting by the tobacco industry, designed to hook us on their products.

I don’t need to tell you why high smoking rates in any given community is a disadvantage. We’ve all seen the data showing that smoking leads to any number of health complications, and often, death. Society often puts the LGBTQ community at a disadvantage by not accepting us, who we love, our safety, protecting our healthcare and childcare rights and even our right to go to the bathroom. We are subject to higher rates of hatred, intolerance, and violence than our straight friends. As a result of this discrimination, depression and suicide rates are 3X higher in LGBTQ individuals. Tobacco companies target us because we are already vulnerable.

The LGBTQ community isn’t the only community targeted by Big Tobacco. As Tomi explains, tobacco companies also target black communities and low-income neighborhoods. That’s why we are bringing attention to  truth® to put an end to their targeting of our communities. truth’s #STOPPROFILING campaign shines a light on how the tobacco industry deliberately singles out communities that already face adversity and inequality with aggressive marketing tactics. Tobacco use is more than a health issue: it’s a social justice issue. Join us by calling out tobacco industry profiling as it happens by tagging @truthorange and #STOPPROFILING and enlist at truth.com to become more involved in local actions nationwide. Teen smoking may have reached an all-time low of 6% in 2016, but there’s still work to be done, especially in these communities.

OOTD: Cold & Windy

Steve Madden black chelsea booties - Obey straight-leg dark wash jeans - White bell sleeve top - H&M grey faux fur coat - Black tattoo choker - H&M grey pom pom beanie

So, it's March; isn't it supposed to be warm by now? Clearly, New York has not gotten the message, because it was 14 F outside this weekend. I may have grown up in that kind of weather, but I haven't ever had to be out in it for long periods of time. Luckily, I have a HUGE collection of coats to keep me warm. I hardly ever wore this faux fur coat when I lived in Seattle– it was just never cold enough. Now, I wear it several times a week. I'm glad I kept it even when I didn't have very much use for it.

OOTD: Galentine's Day // Self-Love

Happy Galentine's Day! As many of you know, this is my favorite holiday, because it celebrates something that is so important to me: platonic friendships, specially between women. Last year for Galentine's Day, I wrote about how how I came to realize that female friendships are absolutely essential. This year, I'm writing about something a little different: self-love.

I would argue that Galentine’s Day is as much about your relationship with yourself as it is about your relationships with your gals. After all, you are the only person who knows you from birth 'til death. Thus, it’s extremely important to cultivate and maintain a loving relationship with yourself.

Self-love is similar to friendships between women in that it is often misrepresented in popular society. Both relationships are meaningful, fulfilling, and, in a word, essential. I see self-love labeled as self-absorption, selfishness, or narcissism far too often. This negative portrayal discourages people, specifically young people, from working to develop a loving relationship with themselves for fear of being labeled self-centered.

I’ve spent a long time working on my relationship with myself. I’m still working on self-love, but I’m mostly content with myself. One of the biggest ways I’ve worked on loving myself is simply by spending time alone with myself. I’ve always been pretty introverted and required time by myself, but I haven’t always been thoughtful about how I’ve spent time with myself. Once I realized that my relationship with myself is, in fact, a relationship, I started treating my time with myself the same way I treat my time with my friends. I’m nice to myself (I treat myself the way I want to be treated), I do fun things with myself, and I listen to myself.

Another way to cultivate self-love is by engaging in self-care. This can, on occasion, be cutesy and romantic, like what you might see on Tumblr. You can take bubble baths with your favorite TV show, treat yourself to a coffee, or wear your favorite underwear. Most often, though, self-care is pretty boring, but essential nonetheless. You practice these methods every day: you practice self-affirmations, feed yourself good food, brush your teeth, go to bed on time, go on a walk, and do things that make you feel good about yourself. So much of taking care of yourself just relies on forming healthy habits, which anyone can do.

In light of Galentine’s day, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that an important part of self-love is surrounding yourself with people who love you AND who want you to love yourself. For me, these people are my friends and family. I’m so grateful to have the amazing friends that I do who love and support me and are excited for me, even when my life takes me away from them. Even long-distance, our friendships serve to empower each other. I’m so grateful for these gals and, though I wish I was celebrating today with them, I’m so glad that we’re all doing some seriously rad stuff across the world.

OOTD: Steps of the Met

Steve Madden Chelsea booties - Black sheer tights - Black and navy leather-accented Rag & Bone dress - Black Banana Republic peacoat - Stella & Dot crystal choker

My second weekend in NYC was a three-day weekend. I decided to take advantage of my additional day off by heading to the Metropolitan Museum of Art with Olivia and Tomi. I've never been to the Met before, but I have seen it featured as a frequent location on the show Gossip Girl. In honor of my first time at the Met, I channeled Blair Waldorf and donned a designer dress and a peacoat. I may have my preppy roots, but I wanted to take my outfit to another level. I did so with this Stella & Dot necklace that I fashioned into a choker by securing it a little tighter.

A good tip: $25 is just the suggested admission fee. Admission at the Met is actually done by donation of whatever the visitor deems fair. I paid $5 for some of the most enriching hours of my life.

I'm a sucker for a good museum. My favorites in Seattle were the Frye Art Museum, which was free AND four blocks from where I lived, and the Seattle Art Museum. I'm excited to see all the museums that New York has to offer. 

We were only there for a couple hours, and only got to see a couple exhibits. I kept my map and colored in the rooms that I'd visited in the hope of one day being able to see all the exhibits.

I was surprised (and so excited) to learn that the Met hosts a fashion exhibit. It features some beautiful clothing by legendary designers, including these shoes and the Versace safety pin dress that brought Versace onto the fashion scene below.