One year in NYC

Welp, a year has come and gone since I moved to New York on January 4, 2017. I've dreamt of moving here since I was 13, and was honestly a little overwhelmed by the opportunity to fulfill a nearly lifelong dream.

One very important lesson I learned when I studied in Spain is that, no matter how picturesque and dreamy a location may be, living anywhere still means a lot of things in life stay the same. Living in New York is amazing, but I still have to pay bills, deal with a (often delayed) commute, walk my dog, go grocery shopping, go to the doctor, and lots of other things that make life so dreary, but that are necessary to be able to keep living.

It's important to me that I don't get caught up in simply living life. I want to make sure I take advantage of the amazing place I live in. So, I took the same approach to moving to New York as I did to my last quarter in Seattle: I made a bucket list, and tried to do something new every weekend.

Some weekends, I did something new that wasn't on my bucket list. I went to East River State Park, I walked through Union Square and Madison Square Park every day, and I walked the streets of my neighborhood week after week. Some weekends, I didn't do anything new at all, choosing to revisit a favorite spot or simply stay home. But I set a goal for myself and made an effort, and have certainly had a number of positively memorable experiences as a result.

January 16: The Met

One of my first Mondays in New York was a holiday. Tomi, one of my roommates, and I headed to the Met to take advantage of the day off. I've been back twice since then: once when my friend Maddie visited, and once when my parents were here. Every time I go, I make sure to check out a different part of the museum. I keep track of which rooms I've already seen by coloring them in on a map.

February 4: Whitney Museum

A friend from college set me up on an art date at the Whitney with my friend Sydney, with whom I've since visited several other cool landmarks.

March 3: Museum of Natural History

When Evelyn visited, one of the top destinations on her list was the Museum of Natural History. We spent the whole day there and went to every single exhibit. I got to see a neuron under a microscope for the first time here.

April 29: Central Park with Luxe

Luxe and I walked all the way from 81st street to SoHo when my friend Claire came to visit at the end of April. I've gone back at least 5 times since then.

April 29: The High Line

Part of our walk from 81st to SoHo included walking part of the High Line. I went back 6 months later for a photoshoot with my favorite photographer, Cassidy Hopkins. 

July 15: Coney Island

After adamantly declaring that Coney Island was a "literal garbage fire," Cassidy Hopkins (the eye behind this photo) agreed to take me and Tomi there for a photoshoot. We had so much fun running around the amusement park and the boardwalk, eating cotton candy and pretending to be in "Uptown Girls."

September 16: Prospect Park

I can't believe I lived in Brooklyn for 9 months before visiting Prospect Park, Brooklyn's Central Park, for the first time. I took Luxe the first time I went and walked her around the entire park while listening to one of my favorite childhood books ("Eragon", if you're interested). This particular day was one of my favorite New York memories. I've been back a couple times since, including on a nice fall day as the leaves were changing.

September 24: Brooklyn Botanical Garden

My friend Sydney took me to the Botanical Garden on a surprisingly warm day at the end of September. We saw all sorts of different plants and even some fish in the koi pond. It was a great way to spend one of the last warm days of the year.

October 8: Strand Bookstore

I first heard about the Strand when I was 13, reading the "Gossip Girl" series (books before TV show, always). I never realized it was so close to my office until I was wandering around one rainy day and stumbled into it. As far as bookstores go, it didn't hold a candle to my precious Powell's, but it was still nice.

November 6: Eataly

I've actually been to the Eataly in the Flatiron District twice: Once with Evelyn, and once with my parents. I ate some of the best pasta I've ever eaten here and got to see raclette in person for the first time ever.

November 6: Staten Island Ferry

Here's an embarrassing fact: I've only spent time in 2 of the 5 boroughs in the year I've lived here. Sure, I've technically been to Queens (like when I went to the beach for the 4th of July and when I go to JFK). I technically went to Staten Island on this ferry, but I spent all of 3 minutes on the island before immediately turning around and getting on the ferry back to Manhattan.

November 13: Mood Fabrics

The Monday after my birthday, I took a comp day (perks of working as weekend editor once every 9 weeks) and took Luxe to 3 of the places on my bucket list. First stop: Mood Fabrics, a must-see for any Project Runway fan. I don't mean to brag, but Swatch and Luxe totally hit it off. 

November 13: Bryant Park

In all honesty, I added this location to my bucket list after seeing a particularly cute picture of one of my favorite bloggers in the park. It was a cute little park with a holiday market set up. It's perfectly conveniently located between Mood and the library, so it was easy to do a quick walk through.

November 13: New York Public Library

I've always loved libraries, and this was one of the most exquisite libraries I've ever had the pleasure of visiting. I walked around for an hour listening to one of the "Series of Unfortunate Events" prequel books. I was even able to get a library card!

December 30: New Museum

This was the last destination on my bucket list in 2017. My friend Kyle told me about this museum after she'd had a particularly uncomfortable experience visiting with her parents. It hadn't been on my radar before, but the exhibit I saw about gender definitely made it worth the trip.

It's now 2018, and I've already visited 2 more destinations on my bucket list (MoMA and the love sculpture). I can't wait to continue exploring my city as I become more comfortable being a New Yorker.

OOTD: 23

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

I celebrated my 23rd birthday last Friday. Another year of my life marked, another sappy post contemplating the meaning of life and my time on Earth.

*Trigger warning: suicide, depression, and themes of mental illness*

This was the year I realized how long life is. A strange side effect of being suicidal, for however long, is that you develop tunnel vision when it comes to thinking about the future. Except there's no light at the end of the tunnel, so you're left unable to see, fumbling around in the darkness, only able to perceive the immediate steps you're about to take.

When you unwillingly spend your time and energy desperately wishing for your life to be over, it becomes impossible to truly conceptualize your future. You may not realize it, but you don't think you have a future. Your brain simply can't comprehend how to think about something so impossible.

I've always thought I'm good at planning for my future. So far, I've completed some pretty significant parts of my life plan: I've studied in Spain, attended a private university, and moved to New York. Without my realizing it, though, I'd slipped into accepting that my life would be cut short.

I'd think a couple months, maybe a couple years into the future, but the best I could do was have kinda fuzzy ideas about what my long-term future looked like (I like to write, right? People retire, right? Dogs?).

In all honesty, the experience of being unable to think into the future isn't uncommon in people my age. In the process of developing a sense of self, many teens and young adults unconsciously come to perceive themselves as invincible. They simply cannot conceptualize their future, because their concept of self has not evolved past the present.

My fuzzy concept of the future was a combo of both depressive symptoms and age. Since being hospitalized 2 years ago and subsequently attending intensive therapy, I've turned the corner and committed myself to not acting on my suicidal urges. That, as well as simply growing older, has left me struck with just how LONG life is. 

I could own several dogs! I could live in so many cities! I could have several different career paths! I could go back to school! I could reach a point in my life where I want to work out! Suddenly, 23 doesn't feel so weighty. 

I've also started taking care of myself little by little. I've been adding veggies to my diet and cutting back on meals consisting simply of candy. I've started saving money not because that's what my parents have always told me to do, but because I'd like to have money to travel and to retire. I go to the doctor for preventative care instead of just to take care of immediate ailments.

Without even realizing it, I've committed to sticking around. I didn't even realize I wasn't committed until my treatment regimen pushed me to truly conceptualize a future. I'm another year older, and truly thrilled to live out my future and continue to work towards it.

On the note of living out my future, I'm already planning all the ways I can wear this floral romper soon — it's definitely coming down to Arizona with me next month. The piece was provided by Top Tier Style. If you would like to purchase your own, use the coupon code BLOG15 for 15% OFF everything on their store!

OOTD: On Growth

*TW* Depression, anxiety, and other themes of mental health.

Last week, my therapist told me that the goal of life isn't to be perfect: it's to grow. This makes sense, and it isn't the first time I've heard it. No one can be perfect, and denying this makes making progress harder. It's hard to work when your goal is objectively unattainable. At the same time, though, this statement hit a little too hard. I've spent my whole life trying to be the best. What am I supposed to work towards if not perfection?

Dealing with depression and anxiety as an analytical person is interesting, because my emotion and reasonable mind are both regularly functioning on high and are often in conflict with each other. My emotion mind screams that I cannot possibly solve any given problem, and that there's no point in even trying because I was miserable before this problem arose and I'll likely be miserable even if I solve the problem. My reasonable mind overcompensates, telling me that I can solve every single issue I'm faced with, so long as I do everything right.

This is how I've tried to address everything in my life for as long as I can remember. Doing everything right, though, is exhausting. Sure, I'm taking good care of myself – I see my therapist weekly, my general practitioner regularly, I get in 30 minutes of exercise a day, I've cut back on sugars and added vegetables to my daily diet, I stretch every day, and I walk around with the most pertinent pages of my DBT handbook to deal with emergencies. But good is not perfection. I don't eat enough potassium, I could exercise more strenuously, I could eat plain oatmeal instead of adding brown sugar, I spend too much time in bed, and the other day, someone told me that I should go gluten-free if I wanted my depressive symptoms to ease up. In my mind, then, it doesn't matter that I'm doing better than I was a couple years ago: I'm not "cured" because I'm still not doing everything right.

And that's just to mention the things I know about that I could be doing better. Another key part of solving problems is being armed with knowledge. I am a firm believer that the more you know, the better you can do. I mean, I have a degree in psychology partially because I wanted to know everything about how to make myself "better" after being diagnosed with depression at age 15. Knowledge is a valuable power, but it's not the only power out there. 

After all, no one can know everything. Neither can you act on everything, as so much of what humanity knows is conflicting. So, striving toward knowing everything and behaving perfectly is inherently a doomed mission, certain only to create failure and self-doubt.

By no measure do I consider myself near perfection. I'm simply so obsessed with obtaining perfection in every aspect of my life that the growth I have made seems embarrassing when compared to my goal. I am so obsessed with obtaining perfection that, no matter what I do, I find myself trying to figure out how I could have done better, and how I'll do better next time. I am committed to growing and becoming a better person, more than I am committed to anything in life. Part of being a better person, I think, means being realistic and accepting of one's flaws and missteps. Plus, over-analyzing everything I do takes time away from actually living life. 

I'm not sure how to end this blog post because I'm still trying to figure out what I'm working towards if I'm not working to be the best. So, I'll end by saying that I've been waiting since the spring to wear this outfit with my denim jacket for the blog. It's the middle of October, but on the day my friend Sydney took photos of me, it was still too hot for a jacket. I'm going to post these pictures without thinking of how I should have worn this outfit another day or powered through and worn the jacket anyways. 

OOTD: A Little Versatility

Photography by Cassidy Hopkins

Everyone needs a dress they can wear for every occasion. I especially find this true as someone with a limited budget and closet space. Most of what I own is versatile so that I get the most bang for my buck. It doesn't make sense for me to spend money on something I'll only be able to wear a couple days a year when I could use that same money on something I could wear whenever I want.

Although I can wear most of my closet for most occasions, this dress especially stands out as something I can wear whenever. I've worn it to graduation parties, on several dates, to work, and now to Coney Island. It's simultaneously appropriate enough for a professional environment and cute enough to wear just for fun.

The most important thing to look for when shopping to create a versatile closet is whether or not you like the piece. No matter how sophisticated or professional you think a piece is, if you don't like it, you won't wear it. Having items in your closet that you don't wear is just a waste of money and space, both of which are valuable commodities. I, for instance, was drawn to this dress because of the color and fabric. I'd been looking for a white lace dress for months, and this dress fit that description.

Once you've found something that you like, try it on and make sure it's appropriate for a work environment. My workplace has very lax dress code, but I still like to make sure I own some things that cover me for less casual professional occasions. The lace of this dress is an entirely separate layer from the solid piece underneath, so I can wear it with a different white slip that is longer and has a higher neck.

Comfort is really key in picking easy-to-wear pieces. No matter how cute or professional something is, if it's uncomfortable or painful in any way, you're less likely to pull it out of your closet in the morning. When you're trying something on, walk around and sit down to see if anything rides up or itches or anything. Those extra 2 minutes you spend in the dressing room could save you hours of earned money.

One thing to keep in mind as you shop is whether or not the pieces you're picking out go with each other. My closet has a strong black/white/pastel/olive green color scheme. This white dress fits perfectly into that color scheme, so I can wear it with a lot of other items that I already own. Because it's so easy to make an outfit with this piece, I'm more likely to wear it more often. Of course, there's always room for stand-out pieces, but your whole closet can't be made out of pieces that don't go together if you're on a budget.

How do you shop if you're on a budget with limited closet space? Comment below to let me know; I'm always looking for ways to maximize my wardrobe!

NYC Pride 2017

Happy almost-last day of National Pride Month! I was so excited to be able to celebrate Pride this month in the very city in which the movement largely started. I even got to watch the parade just a couple blocks from The Stonewall Inn. The historical significance of my experience was hugely momentous for me.

I've been to pride celebrations before, but this was a whole new experience. For one, NYC Pride was much bigger than Seattle Pride. For another, going to Pride as someone who recognizes themselves as existing within the LGBTQ+ community is an entirely different experience than going as a perceived ally. When I went a couple years ago, I was in the middle of my "I'm committed to a man, why does it matter if I'm attracted to other genders?" phase, and didn't carve out space to truly be proud of the movement and what it's done in the last 50 or so years. Now that I've taken the time and energy to really get to know myself, acknowledging each and every person around me and their role in the fight for our rights was overwhelming. I saw so much love, so much self-love, so much PRIDE everywhere I looked. I'm not going to lie: seeing the love and support in this community moved me to tears several times during the day. We still have work to do, particularly in decolonizing the LGBTQ+ community and including the fight for rights beyond marriage equality in our agenda, but I couldn't help but admire how far those who've come before me have pushed. I wouldn't be able to write this post without the work, blood, sweat, tears, and passion of the people (especially the trans WOC) on whose backs the modern LGBTQ+ movement was built.

I'm still fairly new to the LGBTQ+ community. In many ways, I still don't feel like I belong. Sure, I've always known I don't just like men, but I have to admit that I've internalized a LOT of biphobia throughout my life that I didn't know about until I started thinking about outing myself to people. "Am I any less of a member of the LGBTQ+ community," I ask myself, "because I've only ever seriously dated men? How will I defend myself to those who think women my age kiss other women/femmes 'for the attention?' Do I look the part? Do I act the part? How can I bring someone other than a cis man home after setting that as the norm for myself? Will people think I'm going through a phase? AM I going through a phase?" 

I'm still working to unlearn many of these implicit biases (just as I'm working to unlearn all of my implicit biases). I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have family and friends who supported me without question when I told them that I'm bisexual. I'm incredibly privileged to not have experienced discrimination based on my sexuality and to even have been allowed space to talk about myself and my experiences. As I move forward to learn more about my role in the LGBTQ+ community, I hope to use my privilege to the benefit of the rest of my community.